Cookie Dough Findings

“I am gonna continue writing right now just to empty my mind because I need to fucking talk. 

I have never wanted a single person more in my life than the amount that I want this man. I love him more than I have ever loved a single human being EVER in my life. I care about him, I want to support him, and see him succeed. He is something that I value in my life not because of the good he brings to me, but because of the bad he brings too. He helps me grow as a person and helps me find out who I am, without really even being fully aware that he does that.”
Crazy how a mindset can change in just a matter of two months… FUCKING YIKES. 

“He, he, he…” “Him, him, him…”
What about me? What about ALISSA? All I can say is.. bruh... I was fuuuucked up (and not in the good kinda way).

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I wrote this shit after being heartbroken and feeling like fucking dying (not actually… but just feeling extra shitty)… but why?

Because someone didn’t want me in that moment? Because someone wanted me to wait for them? Because someone needed time to find someone “better?” Because I wasn’t enough?


I asked myself these questions for a solid month and a half… questioning why the fuck I was heartbroken and why the fuck I couldn’t just be happy. Pshh.. looking back it's actually fucking pathetic. 

Thankfully, one day that shit just clicked for me…
It was because I didn’t value myself and my worth. 
Because I was trying to change something that I had (and still don't have) no control over. 
Because I had lost sight of who the fuck I actually am. 

Here I was… sad and crying, trying to change someones viewpoint on me… trying to make someone value me. But, in reality, I was simply just taking away the real value I had.

Having to tell someone your value actually LESSENS your overall worth. 

The value in someone truly special is the unspoken rarity that they bring, and I realized that one day. 

I am special. I am different. I am capable of making someone feel like the only person in the room. I am loving. I am independent. I am successful. I am beautiful. I have an even more beautiful mind. 

But you know what? I don’t have to say that… the reason I have all these things is because I RECOGNIZE my traits and who I am.. Without reassurance from others, and without having to vocalize them to feel worthy. Why? Because I internalized them and KNOW I am all of those things.

The day I realized I TRULY do not need anyone and that I have no control over the outcome of the situation, was the day that I rediscovered who I actually am.

I am a badass bitch who doesn’t need anyone. I don’t beg. I don’t chase. I got my fucking own and that's on FUCKING PERIOD.

The fact that I felt that distraught over another person rejecting me is actually REPULSING. Because trust me honey... giving a dude a million chances and begging for them is NOT a flattering look.... makes ya look pretty bad. 

Going into this era of my life, I am realizing the true value of people in my life and my overall self-worth. We don’t NEED anyone. If there is someone in my life, that is because I am choosing to have them there, and just as quickly as I chose to have them there… I can also get them the fuck out reaaaal quick too. I feel like not only does this mindset bring your more peace of mind and the ability to see the REAL you, but you attract better people.

There is NOTHING more attractive to a man than a woman who got her own.. With or without a man. And there is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who recognizes a boss ass bitch who don’t need your ass!! 

We got our money. We got our goals. We got our hustle. 

You are an addition to my world… you do not make my world go round tho… I do that shit all on my own. 

Looking back at that little mini rant I wrote two months ago.. It is honestly jaw-dropping to see how fucking attached I was to another human being when I wasn’t seeing the same in return. How could I even THINK like that when I clearly wasn't seeing my own value and knowing my worth... which is TOTALLY NOT ALISSA.
IDK it's just shocking to know that THAT was my mentality just two fucking months ago. 

That goes to show… I was not putting myself first… I was not being ME! 

The Alissa I know would NEVER say that shit about a man… 

You don’t want me? Bye.
You want to talk with other bitches? Have fun.

Because guess what… I got ME and that is just fine for me. 

I guess it just goes to show that even the strongest minded people can have a weakness that can test the strength of your mentality. And trust me… I was tested (and failed… miserably haha). 

But with a little time and a lot of struggling… I am fucking back and unbothered, baby. 

And lemme tell you… better than fucking ever. 

xoxo,
ME <3
(This article was brought to you at 1 am, thanks to a tub of cookie dough)