Ride the Wave

Emotions. They are a fucking bitch let me tell you. 

Not even a week into my first heartbreak and fuck man… this shit really got me all sorts of fucked up. 

One second I am in my “Bad Bitch I Don’t Fuckin Need You” vibe and the next I am uncontrollably crying into my pillow with literally no sign of recovery. So to be totally honest I would like to say that this shit really fucking sucks.

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What I am learning day to day is how to try to deal with it all without..

1. Being too hard on myself
   
2. Letting the emotions overtake me
   

I’m not gonna lie, about 80% of my day is consumed right now by thoughts of him and thoughts of us and thoughts of how sad I am that I can’t look forward to his nighttime cuddles. 

But a week ago that was 100% of my day.. So little accomplishments I guess. I was spending most of my time alone crying and being sad… while now I am making a conscious effort to allow myself the sadness, but also forcing myself to pick my shit up and go on. 

I have been pushing myself to do new things at the gym and I have been forcing myself to try and stay off social media on my alone time. Baby steps is all I can really ask for I guess. 

One minute I am happy and joking around, and the next I am sad and thinking of the ‘what ifs.’ 
What if he goes to my house to see me?
What if he calls me and asks for me back?
What if he isn’t actually talking to all of these other bitches?

Well.. guess what? 
He is not coming. He is not calling. And he most DEFINITELY is talking to these other bitches. 

So until I can get that through my head, I am starting this new strategy. 

Riding the fucking wave. 

If the wave brings me up… I’ll go up. If the wave pushes me down… I’m going down. 
There is no point in trying to fight the current when you are already too tired to swim. So until I can get my strength back to fight back to fucking sanity, I am gonna ride this wave of emotions and allow myself the time to feel like I am drowning, because without that time to heal, I will never be able to move on properly.

What I have been telling myself is that this breakup is like the crazy, nasty cut I got from my Ninja Blender (which is amazing btw… well the blender, not the cut). 
When I first cut myself, I felt nothing… I was practically numb. I mean I knew that I cut myself, but I didn’t feel shit. 

When I removed the blender from my hand and tried to clean it out… that shit STUNG like a bitch… but I wouldn’t say that it HURT. 

That is until… a few hours later I started to get pain and burning at the same time.

This is exactly like the beginning of my breakup. Initially I didn’t  feel anything, it felt normal and I felt unbothered. However, fast forward about a day… and damn that shit fucking SUCKED. I was lonely, sad, and questioning if this was truly what I wanted (even though I wasn’t the one fucking up).

Okay… back to the cut. After a few days, I thought it was healing so I decided to take the bandaid off… shit hurt still but not as much. However, when I bumped it into something at work… it opened it all up again and started hurting like before, if not, MORE. 

This is just like when I went to go talk to him all over again. I saw him and talked to him, but I still don’t have him, so it just made everything way way way worse.

Long analogy, short… you gotta fucking roll with the pain. Go out to eat and get the fattiest meal you can, take long car rides just to fucking cry, lay in your bed nd scream-cry into your pillow… do all of it. But draw a line. 
You have 5 days… five days to fucking hate life and fucking hate everyone in it. Once that sixth day comes, get your ass up and moving. 

Life is too fucking short to be wasting time and emotions on someone who isn’t ready for you. Not to mention, life is too good for that (and so are you). 

So what can we gather from this mess of an article? 

Well… let. yourself. feel. Ride the emotions out.

But once you build up the smallest amount of strength… you bet your ass you better be fucking going hard. 
Write. Gym. Make goals. Stay busy. Listen to music. Put on your favorite show.

Lastly, what I have been doing is remember that if he can’t appreciate you, someone else will. Your vibe is unachievable by others, your love is untouchable, YOU are everything that someone is waiting for… so don’t sell yourself short and waste your emotions on someone who you know damn well does not highlight everything you have to offer.

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